Young Children

Transcript of highlights from Joyful Courage – Podcast by Casey: Episode 90 – Larissa Dann

Are you looking for a life-long warm, mutually respectful, loving, relationship with your children?

“Mum. I’m not choosing to be here, living with my family. I should be in England – that’s where my stuff is, where I’m paying rent. I should be working and beginning my life there now that I’ve finished studying.”

The Behaviour Window is a powerfully simple model that helps us understand ourselves, and our reactions to other people. I’ve found the concept to be transformational in helping my everyday response to my family, and in my work.

“It is one thing for a child to want to know the ‘limits of her parents’ acceptance’ and an entirely different thing to say that she wants her parent to set those limits on her behaviour” (Dr Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training.P.E.T.).

In all the parenting literature I read, there is one particular phrase that will ensure I skip an article, one concept that is guaranteed to raise my hackles.

What is Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T)?

P.E.T is an approach to parenting that helps parents and carers develop a warm, positive relationship with their children . . . for life.

Larissa Dann

“Bringing up children without rewards or punishment, and no smacking? They’ll be spoilt brats that are entitled and selfish!” So said my mother and her friends when I declared that this was the way I would be bringing up my son, twenty-four years ago. A second child later, and it’s time to reflect.

Just how did this parenting approach impact on my children, and importantly, our relationship, as they matured through childhood, the teen years, and on to adulthood?

What better way to find out, than to ask the young people themselves?

Larissa Dann

Imagine this. Your child begins to cry, or leaves their toys on the floor. You've been reading those parenting blogs that seem to have all the answers. On paper. However, when it comes to the crunch and it's real life . . . Instead of calmly problem solving, you yell, and suddenly, you're in a power struggle.

I think defaulting into automatic reactions can be one of the hardest parts of trying to change as a parent. Wanting to do the best by your children (and you), and then not using the skill you intended and knew would be most appropriate for that situation.

Here are some ideas on helping you cope with those feelings of guilt and annoyance when you fall back to old habits, rather than implement your parenting knowledge.

Larissa Dann

The Christmas break. I set myself two main tasks: help the family prepare for Christmas; and clean out the garage. You know, declutter. I found, however, that Nostalgia became my subverting companion in these missions.

Larissa Dann.

More and more parents are educating themselves on the best way to bring up their children. We search the Internet, we read books, and we attend parenting classes. We all want to do the best by our children, to raise children that are loved and loving, confident, compassionate, considerate, and with a good sense of self-worth. In this quest for information, many parents look for evidence of effectiveness.

My experience, over 20 years of parenting using P.E.T. skills (and as a parent educator), is that the principles of Parent Effectiveness Training work. The longevity of Dr Gordon’s book and course, and its continued uptake by parents around the world, attribute to the positive outcomes of P.E.T. on family relationships. In my view, P.E.T. provided the template for what is now variously known as gentle, peaceful or respectful parenting.

The question I sought to answer in this article was: Why? What is it about the P.E.T. skills that lead to favourable life results for children and parents? The P.E.T. course has been taught since 1962. How does current evidence support P.E.T. in terms of good parenting practice? There is a now a plethora of research that unpacks various traits and conditions necessary for good outcomes for our children. How does P.E.T. fit into this evidence landscape?